Daisy - Who’s Fat?
There’s been a lot of talk lately about overweight cats. I’d like to step into this debate, or should I say sit right down in the middle of it, and give you my opinion.
Every now and then human guests come to our home, hang out in my living room, and wait for my person to bring them coffee and cookies. If I happen to be enjoying my favorite chair, maybe snoozing or taking a bath and minding my own business, one of those guests will invariably say, “Oh, what a cute cat!”
But then the intruder will add, “She certainly is big!”
My first response is: “Who asked you?” I’m perfectly happy with all 15 pounds of my glorious self. I don’t need some human, especially not one who is sitting there eating cookies and drinking coffee with sugar and milk, telling me I am too big. And I certainly don’t want anyone putting silly ideas into my person’s head. The minute I hear the words, “you’re on a diet,” there are going to be some serious problems in this house.
Look, I know that it’s not good to be fat. It’s not good for you, and it’s not good for me. But I don’t think I’m fat. I think I’m rather beautiful, thank you very much. As my human so often points out in response to these rude comments, I have very thick fur. I’m sure my fur weighs at least a pound all by itself.
If you’re really worried about your cat’s weight, don’t blame the cat, blame yourself. Does your cat have at least 50 toys? Do you play with him enough? Did you build an escape-proof area outside where he can run and jump while remaining totally safe? Are you feeding your feline only the very best foods and catering to his every need -- or are you creating some sort of stress in his life that might be causing him to overeat?
Folks, it’s time to get with the program and make your cat’s health your number one priority. Remember, the cat comes first.
Breakfast: It’s when I say so
I’m glad it’s my turn to have a say this month because I have a very important topic to discuss with you all. It has come to my attention recently that there are actually cats out there who wait for their humans to wake up before they get their breakfast. There is only one word for this.
NO. No, no, no, no, no.
Listen up, people. It’s breakfast time when I say it’s breakfast time, not when you decide to rouse yourselves from a good night’s sleep. If I determine that your slumber is over, it’s over. And I’ll use whatever tactics I need to put an end to it.
To be nice, I’ll start gently. Maybe a soft paw on the face, a little scraping around in your hair. If that doesn’t work, I’ll get a little more serious. There will be the high-pitched meow right in your ear. Then the rather louder one, with me situated right in the center of your pillow, so it hits both ears.
If THAT doesn’t work I’m going to start being a little annoyed. That’s when you’re likely to feel something stomping all over you. I would prefer it if you’d sleep on your back, by the way, so that when I get to this phase I can stand and walk around, full-weight, directly on your nice, tender stomach.
If you’re still determined to delay my breakfast, I’m going to get creative. Jewelry on your night stand? Fair game. Glass of water sitting nearby? Looks like the perfect thing to knock over – preferably so the water lands on your face, or at least your pillow. That gentle little paw from before not enough? I guess a claw will have to come out, and I’ll have to pull it right across your cheek.
Look, there’s a simple moral to this story. Breakfast time is when I’m hungry. If that doesn’t fit into your schedule, change your schedule. Remember, it’s all about the cat.
Cats empathetic? I disagree
I noticed up above that your editor tried to tell you that cats are – don't even think it – empathetic creatures. She implied that we actually care if you're sick, or hurt, or just a little sad, and that we'll try to comfort you.
Before you get any crazy ideas, remember who is who in this relationship. You are the human, and I am the cat. I am here to grace the world with my presence, and you are here to serve as my house maid. That means cleaning my litter box on a daily basis so that I don't have to dip my paws in anything remotely dirty, feeding me upon demand, making sure that I have cool, clear water available at all times, and vacuuming regularly so that I don't have to be bothered with lying down in my own cat hair. If I am sleeping on a chair you want to sit on, simply don't sit there. If I am curled up on top of you, simply don't move. On occasion I also prefer that you follow me with a damp paper towel wiping up paw prints if I stepped in something on the kitchen counter. Yes, I said the kitchen COUNTER. Don't go there.
Now it's true that I will slice up anyone that tries to harm you with a single claw and reflexes like lightning. And OK, perhaps I will roll over and look as cute as possible to try to make you smile, especially when you're feeling blue, or I'll rub against you and fall on my side. And maybe I'll curl up next to you at night and purr to try to comfort you. Truthfully, if anything happened to you, I'd...
Wait, what am I saying here? I lost my train of thought. I think I'm done for now. Go get me some fresh water, will you?